Don't Mess Hall with Texas

So here I am, bleary-eyed and complacent, sipping my coffee in Texas. We're in Austin for the tour opener, which has been moved to an indoor venue due to rain. When I arrived at the hotel last night I was happy to see an Au Bon Pain in the lobby. It's not that I love the place, but at least I knew I'd be assured of my coveted bagel and coffee this morning, which is not always easy to find on the road - especially when we're away from the Northeast. So, I awoke a few minutes ago and stumbled down to the lobby for this:

J: Hi, Everything bagel please

Girl: What's an Everything bagel?

J: An Everything bagel

G: I don't know what that is sir. I've never heard of it.

J: This is Au Bon Pain isn't it?

G: Yes sir.

J: Well, there's one in the picture, right there on the wall

G: Oh, yeah, we don't have those.

J: Ok, I'll have an onion bagel then

G: We don't have any of those either.

J: Well, what *do* you have?

G: Plain, cinnamon raisin or blueberry

J: I guess I'll have a cinnamon raisin then.

G: [takes out tiny frozen bagel from a Lenders bag]

J: Wait, *those* are your bagels? Don't you have those nice big ones that are made fresh in the back? This is Au Bon Pain right? It's French for 'oh! good bread' or something?

G: Our blueberry bagels are much bigger.

J: Ok, I'll have one of those then.

G: We're out of those.

J: Don't you have a bakery here, isn't that the point of this place?

G: Well, we make all of our own pastries and specialize in fresh croissants.

J: Ok, I'll take a croissant then.

G: We ran out.

J: Do you still have coffee?

G: Yes sir.

J: I'll take one please.

G: That will be four dollars and nine cents.

J: What's a dollar?



We're in Oklahoma on Sunday. Stay tuned...

Too Many Wafuls

I went to the optometrist the other day to reorder contact lenses. (Sadly, they had no free wine, but I digress). When the receptionist asked me for my last name so she could look up my file, I said "Waful." She then asked me for my first name and I stared at her blankly.

Do you think she even contemplated my response before asking the second question?

A Buzzed Cut

Ok, so I love my hairdresser. There, I said it. I'm not *in* love with her, because I don't know her that well, but man, can she cut hair. But wait, it gets better. I went in last week to get a haircut and she refused to cut it. She claimed that it looked better longer and, as a peer, she advised me not to do anything to it other than the normal "clean up" around the edges, which is only half-price. I've been going to the same hairdresser for years and I've always told her that she's essentially my target audience and thus, I trust her opinion. So, I left. But then this week it was getting a bit too long and I realized I needed to go back and have just a little bit more taken off because it was starting to get in the way at the gym and I started looking a little too ragged for my taste. So I went back in and told her I needed just a little trim. As I was sitting there, I noticed what appeared to be a glass of red wine on the counter in front of the customer next to me. Assuming it was some sophisticated hair-coloring product in a container that resembled a wine glass, I jokingly said, "Just a little off the top and a glass of merlot while you're at it." My hairdresser smiled and said "it's actually Pinot Noir, would you still like a glass?" Again, I figured she was just matching my lame attempt at humor and I said, "of course." But, then she returned with an actual glass of wine and handed it to me. I couldn't believe it. Apparently it's their new thing they do on Thursday and Friday afternoons, but it's only if you ask for it. They don't offer it to just anyone. I don't know if it's technically legal to give away alcohol at a business, but I'll never tell. I just think it's the coolest fucking thing ever. I mean, she already cuts my hair better than anyone ever has, but now free wine? C'mon.

The only problem is that you have to be very strategic about when you sip your wine so as not to get tiny little hairs falling into your glass. But other than that, it's absolutely perfect.

Came Dancin' Across the Water

Ok, so I really like writing, but I haven't had much time to do it as of late. So, I've decided to post a link to my most recent article, which appeared on Jambands.com a couple weeks ago. It took hours and hours and hours, so I hope it doesn't suck.

Enjoy...

http://www.jambands.com/Features/content_2006_01_19.00.phtml

Up in Smoke

For those of you that know me, my stance on cigarette smoking is fairly obvious. I hate it. It's quite apparent that it is the biggest scam on the face of the earth and a small percentage of old white men continue to make billions of dollars off of people that willingly pay to kill themselves. That part doesn't bother me because I can easily see the insanity of it and choose not to participate. BUT, I become enraged when others' second hand smoke ruins the air I breathe and puts me at risk for doing absolutely nothing. Even though I've been in California for over a week and the state has long since banned smoking in public places, the folks that work in the rock and roll biz do what they want in the privacy of their own dressing room. So, yesterday I became so enraged at the cloud of smoke in our little backstage area that I decided to take action (instead of my normal passive agressive snide commentary). When the room was empty, I removed all of the ash trays and posted signs around the room that said "No Smoking." To my surprise, nearly 12 hours later as the post-show festivities got underway, not one person smoked. Even our tour manager *who makes the rules* was leaving the room to smoke. I guess people assumed that the signs were posted by the venue or something. I was quite satisfied.

Well, that's about it for now. We're off to Vegas tonight where there will be plenty of smoke...I'm not sure if the casinos will be very tolerant of my little sign scam, but then again they have pretty fucking good ventilation in those joints.

Food for Thought

Why is it that the phrase "peas and carrots" is used to describe the compatibility of two parties, but "apples and oranges" refers to the opposite? I mean apples and oranges are far more analogous in size, shape and color, while peas and carrots differ in all three categories. Who makes up these sayings and why wasn't I consulted?

Have I turned into Larry David?

and oh yeah

As if I didn't already have enough nicknames, you can add "scarface" to the batch.

Although I seem to remember someone saying that chicks dig scars.

The Needle and the Damage (almost) Done

This morning I had a large needle stuck in my face. It was great. Apparently that little spot on my face may be Basal Cell Carcinoma, which is a "good" type of skin cancer, meaning it doesn't spread and once you have it removed it doesn't come back. So, that's cool I guess. But anyway, I was lying there, just before the doctor stuck the needle into my face to numb the area and I felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. The way my phone is set up, whenever a new message or a text message comes in, it starts by quietly vibrating and then ascends to a loud siren sound (I generally pick up the phone prior to the startling siren, which I have since I work in so many loud environments - concerts and all, but when I have a needle about to go into my face I don't usually answer my phone). Just before the doctor pricked my face, he said to the nurse "and you need to be very careful in a situation like this because the needle is very close to the eye." He then turned to me and said "this may hurt a bit and feel like a burning sensation, sorry." (mind you, I haven't even finished my morning coffee at this point). So the needle penetrated my flesh and the aforementioned phone siren went off...I was positive the doctor would be startled and stab me in the eye with the numbing needle...but he was cool under fire.

The text message? "What time does your friends' band go on tonight?"

It's my fault though. I should have turned my phone off.

So, now I have this round band-aid stuck on my face, and I don't mean Kate Hudson.